let kids play

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I've said this before: kids really need time and (mental) space to play. And we parents need to chill out on overscheduling our kids.

This is a great article on Quartz that looks at stress in young people and the rising rates of depression in our youth.

My hypothesis is that the generational increases in externality, extrinsic goals, anxiety, and depression are all caused largely by the decline, over that same period, in opportunities for free play and the increased time and weight given to schooling. 

the day i stopped saying ’’hurry up’’

This is a brilliant post for all of you harried parents out there. Enjoy.

When you’re living a distracted life, every minute must be accounted for. You feel like you must be checking something off the list, staring at a screen, or rushing off to the next destination. And no matter how many ways you divide your time and attention, no matter how many duties you try and multi-task, there’s never enough time in a day to ever catch up.

That was my life for two frantic years. My thoughts and actions were controlled by electronic notifications, ring tones, and jam-packed agendas. And although every fiber of my inner drill sergeant wanted to be on time to every activity on my overcommitted schedule, I wasn’t.

You see, six years ago I was blessed with a laid-back, carefree, stop-and-smell-the roses type of child.

• When I needed to be out the door, she was taking her sweet time picking out a purse and a glittery crown.
• When I needed to be somewhere five minutes ago, she insisted on buckling her stuffed animal into a car seat.
• When I needed to grab a quick lunch at Subway, she’d stop to speak to the elderly woman who looked like her grandma.
• When I had thirty minutes to get in a run, she wanted me to stop the stroller and pet every dog we passed.
• When I had a full agenda that started at 6 a.m., she asked to crack the eggs and stir them ever so gently.

life's a game

Eric Barker is the only blogger I subscribe to, and I love this week's post. Enjoy.

This Is The Most Fun Way To Make Your Life Awesome

“Working on your goals” is usually not fun. It’s way too formal and serious. And that’s one of the reasons we quit.

So how can you build good habits, improve yourself and have a great life — while still having a blast?

I decided to call an expert on the subject. Steve Kamb is the bestselling author of Level Up Your Life: How to Unlock Adventure and Happiness by Becoming the Hero of Your Own Story.

Steve meshes psychology with video games, movies and pop culture to make achieving goals enjoyable. He’s also the “Rebel Leader” at Nerd Fitness where he’s helped nearly 300,000 people achieve their fitness goals.

What’s his secret? Steve says you need to turn your life into a game. Sound silly? It is. But it works. Steve’s ideas can help you get the life you want — and they’re spectacular for motivating kids as well.

When I hear something over and over from very different sources, I take notice. And “make it a game” is one of those things:

• What’s one of the things people who live through disaster scenarios have in common? They make survival a game.
• Happiness expert Shawn Achor said the best way to deal with stress is to see problems as challenges, not threats.
• Kids do better in school when it’s treated like a game.

Warning: There is much silly ahead. But silly is fun. And this is the kind that can help you achieve your dreams and live a better life.

Let the games begin…

 What’s Your “Next Level”?

We all know we’re supposed to set goals for ourselves and… Sorry, I’m already yawning. “Goals” are so formal and stuffy.

So let’s look at life like a video game. What are your levels? What do you need to accomplish to unlock that next reward?

You need to get to 100 points to unlock the ability to buy that shiny new thing you’ve been wanting. Every hour you spend working on that awful project for work gets you 10 points.

Or every time you visit the gym gets you 10 points. Want to be a better parent? 20 points for every hug you give your child. Here’s Steve:

As I was contemplating this idea of improving myself, I thought back to why all these games were so addicting to me. I wasn’t aware at the time, but behavioral psychology and game mechanics often go hand in hand. Specifically this idea of the “Progress Principle” — that progress is the most motivating thing. I started to apply these ideas to my life, and thought, “Instead of getting addicted to another video game, why don’t I apply those game mechanics to my life and get addicted to improving myself?” I took the goals I wanted to achieve and created “levels” so that I could see consistent progress and feel good everyday.

And Steve’s right about the research. Harvard’s Teresa Amabile found that nothing is more motivating than progress.

getting pregnant is hard

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To clarify, *I* am not trying to get pregnant. We are done/shop is closed/that ship has sailed (for us)/we are happy with two.

But my friends are discussing when to start trying to get pregnant, and I suddenly remembered when my partner and I were first trying. Prior to this, we thought if we didn't use some kind of protection, we'd be zapped by pregnancy immediately. Ha!

I want to set some things straight, and I hope this can help someone out there feel more prepared. Knowledge is power, so let's get powerful.

1. It's not that easy to get pregnant.

There is basically this teeny tiny window of a few days each month where pregnancy is even possible, and some months, nothing will happen for no obvious reason at all. It's supposed to take up to a year for healthy couples to get pregnant, which means (for the non-math-inclined) there are eleven months of not getting pregnant without any causes other than chance.

another happy dance around the world

I enjoy living under a rock, but I somehow missed this video that came out four years ago. In any case, it's an awesome follow-up to my favorite video of all time.

Enjoy.

juicing for health

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This juicing trend has been around for years, and I didn't have any opinion of it one way or the other until I saw my brother-in-law last month for the holidays.

He has a desk job and had slowly gained weight, as so many people do. First, he lost about twenty pounds five years ago after we shared The China Study with our families. He started doing yoga for his back. Then, he started juicing.

happy 2016

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Happy new year. I know I'm a little late to this party, but here's a little inspiration to get fired up.

"Don't ask what the world needs.
Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.
Because the world needs people 
who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

Go be alive! May your 2016 be full of life, adventure, and laughter.

find the should and ditch the guilt

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Happy December! This can be one of the most joyous months of the year, but it can also be one of the most stressful. So, let's talk about freedom. Two imprisoning concepts for many people seem to be expectations and guilt (often related but not necessarily so).

Eric Barker has written a few different posts about expectations, and the takeaway exercise or game I really like is called "find the should." As Barker says, we don't get upset about events; we get upset about our beliefs.

Our lives don't change at the moment when someone passes away, but we may fall apart when someone tells us the news a few days later as if it just happened. Or we may find someone offensive and rude until we hear that their child is battling cancer, and then we become more forgiving, more patient.

Barker uses traffic as an example. We find it frustrating because the highways should be clear, or traffic should be elsewhere—but reality isn't always so agreeable. If we learn to expect traffic as part of a normal commuting experience, for example, we can accept it rather than let it ruin our day. Instead of spending an hour grumbling and stressed about being late, we can listen to an audiobook and leave earlier so as not to feel so rushed.

I know. It's all easy in theory; I'd also do yoga and work out every day in this hypothetical world. But in this case, I've found even working on this a little has yielded huge benefits, and with practice, it does make our lives more pleasant.

Long story short: We can avoid frustration regardless of what is happening. Nothing needs to change except our perception of a situation. We can choose our reality as we experience it, and that's powerful.

So, if you're feeling irritated, see if you can find the "should" that hasn't been fulfilled. He should know I'm allergic to cats/love brownies/hate zoos. She should remember I always order tuna but can't eat shellfish, and I'm going to the dentist at 2pm. S/he should take out the trash/cook dinner/clean the kitchen.

You get the idea. So, what's your "should"? Examine it. Is that expectation realistic? What if we get rid of the "should"?

This has become a good exercise my partner and I play whenever we get frustrated, and it usually dispels the irritation quickly. (It's also entertaining to make fun of each other's "shoulds" when we examine them in bright daylight. Like: My 3-year-old should know how to behave in a restaurant. Riiiiiight. Good one.)

The other burden people (especially parents) feel is guilt. Guilt for not spending enough quality time with the kids. Or guilt for not putting in enough time at work. Or both.

In Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's book, Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family, they discuss guilt as a poison that only creates hatred, and that's also pretty potent stuff. Their argument is that making children (or adults, for that matter) feel guilty makes them feel badly about themselves and eventually hate you for it. Yowsers. That'll make us think twice about making someone feel guilty, no?

And self-imposed guilt is just as toxic. I didn't blog at all during the month of November because I was frantically working on NaNoWriMo. I "won" and reached the 50,000-word milestone, but it means other things fell by the wayside. And that's a great analogy for life. We are the choices we make, and you don't need to feel guilty if you can't do every little thing perfectly.

We can only do the best we can from where we are with what we have, and that's as good as it'll get.

So, this got a little heavier than I planned, but it should be worth it. To recap:

find the should + ditch the guilt = freedom.

Now, that's a good gift we can give ourselves. 

don't apologize

Well, I should qualify that. Do apologize if you step on someone's foot or are an inadvertent jerk, but don't apologize if you're trying to create a masterpiece of some kind, and it falls short in your eyes.

There has been a lot of apologizing in my fiction writing course lately, and I say people, STOP apologizing for your work.

My partner and I always joke that it's too late to apologize.

Seriously, though. You are where you are, and that's just part of the process.

Ira Glass said it so well here.

As my acting teacher used to say:

You aren't the best; you aren't the worst.

So, let's put our egos aside and focus on the work.

Instead of saying, "I'm sorry," say:

"I'm awesome" 

instead.

Because at least you're trying, and that's more than many others can say.

Boo ya.

just say no

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I'm more focused on saying no to too many commitments, but I thought this image was funny
(and saying yes to tacos is always a good thing, right?). 

It's easy to want to say yes to everything, but I am feeling more and more that time is too sacred and scarce to share indiscriminately. It's not like I'm going to die tomorrow (well, I hope not), but I want to do so many things, and especially with two little children, the time to get things done is minimal.

We've learned that sleep deprivation makes you stupid and zaps your creativity, so my earlier tactic of simply not sleeping to get everything done isn't the way to go. And if we only have so many waking hours, what can we do?

We have to cull. The word, cull, comes from killing off weaker animals to strengthen the herd, which seems appropriate. You have to be ruthless if you really want to make progress. What is absolutely crucial? What are the things that truly makes our souls soar into the sky? We are what we spend time doing.

For me, I'm on a mission, and I'm starting to cut everything out. If it isn't time with my family or writing, it's pretty much getting cut out of my life. I want to finish these writing projects, and I want to spend time with my family. Everything else feels like a distraction right now. I know I'm being a bit intense, but you have to be, or else life will pass you by—and "eventually" will never come. At the writer's conference, one of the instructors said he scheduled his writing time and treated it like a real appointment, never to be missed.

So, if you want to develop a craft or fulfill a dream, you, too, will have to protect the time doing what is most precious to you, and say no to everything else (even if it's fun).