the perfect parent

I know, the perfect parent does not exist. But holy cow, this description comes as close to any I've seen, and I hope to one day be something like this father was to his kids.

From quora:

How can I be a good father?

Lou Davis, Emergency Department Sister, A... (more)

63 upvotes by Jae Won Joh, Steven Shakeshaft, Sajeev Shanmuganandarajah,(more)

I'm going to tell you about my dad, he is the 'best' father ever (bar none!)

I am adopted. So the first great thing my dad did was to jump through the hoops that are part of the adoption process. That was tough (and humiliating - asked questions about really private things)

So that's the first thing you need to know, being a dad is really tough.

They had my brother first and, two years later, by a quirk of fate, the adoption society rang and said my mum and dad could have a baby girl that someone else had backed out of having. The problem was, they needed to get to the place by 5pm. But my mum was out, so my dad and his employees drove around looking for my mum and my brother.

So that's the second thing, tenacity and determination.

Then they had to wait 6 months before the papers were finalised, my dad sat in my room in a chair every night because he was frightened my birth mother would change her mind.

So, you have to be prepared to put up with discomfort.

It WAS finalised, I was theirs. But I was a very 'fragile' child, frightened of rejection (I still am!) but my dad never sighed or raised his eyes heavenwards. He would tell me I was beautiful (so you need to learn how to be kind)

And you need to be patient.

My dad used to tell me he wouldn't sell me for 'all of the money in the world and a five pound note!'

So you need to be able to provide comfort and reassurance.

My dad had a heart attack when he was 39, but he got better and he still played football with my brother and he used to run around with us.

So you have to be determined and you have to 'join in!' that was important to my brother and I.

My grandad had a stroke when I was young, my dad used to go 3 nights a week, straight after work, to put my grandad to bed,

And, in doing that, he taught me that family is important and that you sometimes need to help other people.

Occasionally, he would take me to school and I would ask him to write a letter excusing me from PE (physical education!) (ironic really, considering I'm a fanatical cyclist and do triathlon now!) And he would write the note.(and not tell my mum)

So, you might have to learn to be sneaky.

If I ever forgot my ingredients for cookery, I would phone my dad (by now a pretty high powered business man) and he would leave work to help me out (I was selfish I know but it shows that:-

You love your children more than anything.

When my first boyfriend and I separated, my dad told me that he had never liked him-

You support your children when times are tough.

After a serious illness (bacterial meningitis) I was rather depressed. My dad used to turn up, read the paper, make a cup of tea and then leave.

And he showed that a good dad can just sit and not say anything.

My dad listens to me moan, he gives me a handkerchief when I cry (and was wonderful when my first child was stillborn) He shares my joy when I laugh.
He is proud of my achievements.

It isn't about toys and things, it's about love and support always.

If you can be like my dad, your children will be as lucky as I have been.

I wish you happiness.

the science of happier holidays

The Wall Street Journal, known for its economic, financial and business reporting, isn't the first place you'd think of for giving this advice, but it's well-timed and so relevant as we head into what is often a last-minute Christmas shopping frenzy. So, here's a fresh (and research-based) reminder to enjoy happier holidays for us all.

Thanksgiving and Gratitude: The Science of Happier Holidays

It’s easy to get caught up in the rush of materialism, which has been shown to undermine happiness. There’s a simple antidote: Practice gratitude

ENLARGE

How can we avoid falling into the unhappiness trap of materialism this holiday season? One answer has been emerging from social science: Cultivate a mind-set of gratitude. GETTY IMAGES

By

JASON MARSH and DACHER KELTNER

As the holiday shopping season moves into high gear, it’s easy to get caught up in the rush of spending. But consider this conclusion from recent scientific research: Materialistic people are less happy than their peers. They experience fewer positive emotions, are less satisfied with life and suffer higher levels of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse.

Why is this the case—and how can we avoid falling into the unhappiness trap of materialism this holiday season?

One answer has been emerging from social science: Cultivate a mind-set of gratitude. Gratitude is proving to be about much more than the occasional “thank you.” Instead, the principles of Thanksgiving give rise to a unique way of seeing the world.

The latest evidence suggests that, rather than simply being about good manners, the emotion of gratitude might have deep roots in humans’ evolutionary history, sustaining the social bonds that are key not only to our happiness but also to our survival as a species.

the ripple effect

Just in time for Thanksgiving, here's a sweet video that reminds of us the power of small kindnesses. Enjoy, and have a happy Thanksgiving!

10 days without complaining or criticizing

The happify infographic had a little gratitude section that suggested not complaining or criticizing for ten days to see what happens, and my partner and I are giving it a try.

We were curious to know what the difference was between a negative observation and criticizing/complaining—are we unable to make any negative comments?

So, here are the definitions of complain and criticize, and it seems they do include what one could try to justify as a "negative observation."

complain, verb
1. to express dissatisfaction, pain, uneasiness, censure, resentment, or grief; find fault.
2. to tell of one's pains, ailments, etc.
3. to make a formal accusation.

criticize, verb
1. to censure or find fault with.

2. to judge or discuss the merits and faults of.

3. to find fault; judge unfavorably or harshly.

4. to make judgments as to merits and faults.

We're hosting two Thanksgiving dinners, one with our coworkers, and one with our families, and it'll be great to talk about this exercise.

So, here's to day one. We'll see how this goes. Want to join us? It should be a powerful exercise.

happy eating

With Thanksgiving around the corner, here's a great happify infographic on how to get the most out of your eating experience. Enjoy!

write your way into peace and clarity of mind

Eric Barker has done it again. Here's how to write your way out of anxiety, tragedy or heartache in four steps.

How To Deal With Anxiety, Tragedy Or Heartache – 4 Steps From Research

  By Eric Barker

“You don’t remember me, but I was in your experiment a year ago. I just wanted to thank you. It changed my life.”

James Pennebaker has had a number of people say this to him over the years.

In the early 80’s he came across a study showing that people who experienced personal traumas but didn’t discuss them were more likely to get sick.

He wondered if just writing about their emotional upheavals could help people recover. And the research he did changed lives.

In the 30 years since, hundreds of studies have documented the effectiveness of expressive writing.

It helped with anxiety, tragedy, heartache… It even gave relief to those coping with cancer, heart disease, chronic pain, and AIDS.

People who write about their problems gain a host of benefits including feeling happier, sleeping better, and even getting better grades.

Via Expressive Writing: Words That Heal:

Across multiple studies, people who engage in expressive writing report feeling happier and less negative than they felt before writing. Similarly, reports of depressive symptoms, rumination, and general anxiety tend to drop in the weeks and months after writing about emotional upheavals (Lepore 1997). Other studies found improvement in overall well-being and improved cognitive functioning (Barclay & Skarlicki 2009).

I wanted to learn more, so I gave the man himself a call.

Jamie Pennebaker is a professor at the University of Texas at Austin and the author of a number of books including:

Expressive Writing: Words That Heal

The Secret Life of Pronouns: What Our Words Say About Us

In this post you’ll learn how writing can help you overcome emotional hardships and the best way to use it to help you get past tough times.

Let’s get started.

Can Just 20 Minutes of Writing Change Your Life?

Bottling up your problems is stressful. People who keep their struggles a secret go to the doctor 40% more often than those who don’t.

Via Expressive Writing: Words That Heal:

…among those who had traumas, those who kept their traumas secret went to physicians almost forty percent more often than those who openly talked about their traumas (Pennebaker & Susman 1988). Later research projects from multiple labs confirmed these results. Adults whose spouses had committed suicide or died suddenly in car accidents were healthier in the year following the death if they talked about the trauma than if they didn’t talk about it… Not talking about important issues in your life poses a significant health risk.

Some of us talk to friends or see a therapist when life gets hard. But not everyone.

It’s risky. Talking about your problems can mean feeling judged. You’re putting yourself on the line when you’re most vulnerable.

But writing lets you get many of the benefits of talking about your problems without the risk.

Here’s Jamie:

…in an ideal world, it works very similar to talking to a friend. The killer problem is when you talk to a friend or even a therapist, you’re putting yourself on the line. For it to work that other person has to be completely accepting, and the reality is we don’t tell our friends a lot of really deep and personal things because we think it might hurt the relationship. That’s the beauty of writing. You don’t have to worry about other people looking down on you or feeling nervous about putting yourself out there.

isla del sol

Sometimes, when I'm wading through mountains of crumpled receipts and trying to get all of my bookkeeping organized, I become an angry person. Quickbooks may be good for some things, and doing your own bookkeeping is great for staying on top of everything, but sometimes, I just want to hurl everything over a windy cliff.

Which means it's a good time to remember Isla del Sol, a tiny island in the middle of Lake Titicaca in Bolivia. It has no cars, no paved roads, and the folklore says it's where the sun came from. (There is a nearby island, Isla de la Luna, where the moon is supposed to have originated.) Whether the legends are true or not doesn't matter too much; the island is covered in Incan ruins and truly has a magical feel to it. There were flowers I'd never seen before that seemed otherworldly.

But let's back up for a second. First, we bought tickets at the edge of Lake Titicaca in Copacabana:

Then, we went off to find the little boat down by the water:

Despite being half-Bolivian, my partner is a lot taller than the average Bolivian:

We waved goodbye to Copacabana:

It was a beautiful ride over, with clouds that looked like feathers:

Shimmering water and two tiny rock islands with one tree each (almost lined up perfectly here):



And a snow-capped mountain, for good measure:



I did a double-take, too, so in case you couldn't make it out, here's a closer shot:



A snow-capped mountain. Next to the island of the sun! It was a lovely surprise—a bit like our boat ride through some of New Zealand's fiords and across Lake Te Anau to see the glow worms in Te Anau.

When we arrived at the actual island, it immediately felt very different from Copacabana.



Copacabana felt like a huge, bustling metropolis in comparison.

Isla del Sol felt lush and peaceful and drenched in sunlight. How appropriate.

This could be their version of Stairway to Heaven:



The ruins were also very impressive.

 The people were pretty small back then.

We didn't get to go on a reed boat, but they're beautiful to behold, even from a distance.

And like our enchanted trip to Nantucket, even the weeds on Isla del Sol are beautiful. This yellow flower looks like the sun... 

Nice one, Isla del Sol.

bouncy balls

We don't watch TV at home, but my daughter now knows two music videos and loves them. The first is the cello video below, and here is the second one. It's actually a commercial, but I think it's a beautiful work of art, and I love the song ("Hearts" by Jose Gonzalez), too. Enjoy!

2cellos

Good morning! Here's a beautiful video to start off your week.

Croatia has been one of my favorite countries for a decade now, and this video shows both the beautiful Plitvice Lakes and the talented Luka Šulić and Stjepan Hauser playing "I Will Wait" by Mumford & Sons. Enjoy.

don't be the big elephant thinking you're the baby elephant

via

Here's a striking quora story from Dinesh Dharme:

Elephants in captivity are trained, at an early age, not to roam. One leg of a baby elephant is tied with a rope to a wooden post planted in the ground.
The rope confines the baby elephant to an area determined by the length of the rope. Initially the baby elephant tries to break free from the rope, but the rope is too strong.
The baby elephant "learns" that it can't break the rope.
When the elephant grows up and is strong, it could easily break the same rope. But because it "learned" that it couldn't break the rope when it was young, the adult elephant believes that it still can't break the rope, so it doesn't even try!

via

And here's another parable on quora from Graeme Shimmin:

There is an old story about two Greek islanders vying to become the strongest man on the island. 
One trainee bought a newborn calf. The other laughed at him. How could a calf help his rival train? But every day the wise trainee lifted it. Every day the calf got a little bigger and heavier but he could still lift it because it was only a little bit heavier than the previous day. After a year the wise trainee saw the calf was now a bull but he could still lift it. 
In the meantime the unwise trainee had tried every day to lift a bull. He had failed every time. 

So, don't be the big elephant thinking you're still a baby elephant, and don't worry if your rival laughs at you for lifting a newborn calf and keep on keeping on. :-)