40 days in Germany

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I've been in Germany for 40 days. And Trump is now the president of the United States.

* Warning: lots of ranting ahead. *

I voted for Bernie Sanders, thinking he'd probably lose to Hillary, then I voted for Hillary, predicting Trump would win. But I still couldn't believe it when it actually happened. My partner said the polls all said Hillary was a clear victor. Goes to show how reliable polls are.

75 days away from home

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At 50 days on the road, I was in Paris and emailed my dear friend, Val:

We've been on the road for 50 days now, and holy moly, we've been like a tornado ripping through nine states (Mississippi was more of a drive-by, though), four countries, seven flights (well, five, but two had two legs), twelve cities, etc. On good days, it's amazing. Aria and Téa play in a picturesque playground sandbox with the Eiffel Tower in the background while Andres and I sit on a shaded park bench and sigh at how awesome everything is. On bad days, Aria is tantruming, Téa is crying because she's hungry, Andres and I are grumpy and tired and lost, and it starts to rain. We've had plenty of both kinds of moments, but there are definitely far fewer of those perfect moments! (Of course, they weigh a lot more, so one five-minute awesome moment can carry us through a tough day or two...) ;-)

Now, at 75 days away from home, we've settled in our home for the academic year, but we don't know anyone here yet, and it's colder and grayer in Germany. (Let's all play our pity violins for the wimpy Californians.) There is a ton of paperwork to fill out, and while we have a place at a bilingual school for our younger daughter starting October 31st (yay!), we have been jumping through hoops in search for a school for our older daughter and are now on the wait list for an emergency place with the ministry of education.

The upside is that we live in what I call a castle because it is old and gorgeous and looks, well, like a castle.

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And the way I figure it, we'll either make great friends this year or we'll bond as a family.

So, for now, we'll be donning puffy jackets and bundling up, and we'll try to remember to do our next sabbatical somewhere warmer. :-)

P.S. If you speak English (or Chinese or Spanish) and live in (or near) Darmstadt, send me a message at serendipityberries@gmail.com, and let's be friends! Any other expats around? We haven't seen any friends since August, so we're due for some socializing. (And if you happen to have kids who could play with my 1-year-old and/or 4-year-old, that would be awesome, too.) :-)

two DYI mama hacks

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Some DIY hacks just aren't repeatable, hence the proliferation of pinterest fails. But these two super simple ideas are pretty much impossible to screw up, so let's go save a little time, money, and breastmilk.

1. You can buy a fancy Faucet Extender for $10 on amazon, or you can use a shoe horn and a rubber band for free (or for almost free if you don't already have a random shoe horn sitting around). 

I know. It isn't that expensive to buy this gadget, but hey, ten bucks is ten bucks. My daughter loves this thing. I don't have yet another baby/toddler thing to get rid of as my children grow up. And free is awesome.

inner voice

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     "What we are 

     teaches the child more 

     than what we say, 

     so we must be 

     what we want 

     our children to become." 

               - Joseph Chilton Pearce

let kids play

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I've said this before: kids really need time and (mental) space to play. And we parents need to chill out on overscheduling our kids.

This is a great article on Quartz that looks at stress in young people and the rising rates of depression in our youth.

My hypothesis is that the generational increases in externality, extrinsic goals, anxiety, and depression are all caused largely by the decline, over that same period, in opportunities for free play and the increased time and weight given to schooling. 

the day i stopped saying ’’hurry up’’

This is a brilliant post for all of you harried parents out there. Enjoy.

When you’re living a distracted life, every minute must be accounted for. You feel like you must be checking something off the list, staring at a screen, or rushing off to the next destination. And no matter how many ways you divide your time and attention, no matter how many duties you try and multi-task, there’s never enough time in a day to ever catch up.

That was my life for two frantic years. My thoughts and actions were controlled by electronic notifications, ring tones, and jam-packed agendas. And although every fiber of my inner drill sergeant wanted to be on time to every activity on my overcommitted schedule, I wasn’t.

You see, six years ago I was blessed with a laid-back, carefree, stop-and-smell-the roses type of child.

• When I needed to be out the door, she was taking her sweet time picking out a purse and a glittery crown.
• When I needed to be somewhere five minutes ago, she insisted on buckling her stuffed animal into a car seat.
• When I needed to grab a quick lunch at Subway, she’d stop to speak to the elderly woman who looked like her grandma.
• When I had thirty minutes to get in a run, she wanted me to stop the stroller and pet every dog we passed.
• When I had a full agenda that started at 6 a.m., she asked to crack the eggs and stir them ever so gently.

getting pregnant is hard

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To clarify, *I* am not trying to get pregnant. We are done/shop is closed/that ship has sailed (for us)/we are happy with two.

But my friends are discussing when to start trying to get pregnant, and I suddenly remembered when my partner and I were first trying. Prior to this, we thought if we didn't use some kind of protection, we'd be zapped by pregnancy immediately. Ha!

I want to set some things straight, and I hope this can help someone out there feel more prepared. Knowledge is power, so let's get powerful.

1. It's not that easy to get pregnant.

There is basically this teeny tiny window of a few days each month where pregnancy is even possible, and some months, nothing will happen for no obvious reason at all. It's supposed to take up to a year for healthy couples to get pregnant, which means (for the non-math-inclined) there are eleven months of not getting pregnant without any causes other than chance.

juicing for health

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This juicing trend has been around for years, and I didn't have any opinion of it one way or the other until I saw my brother-in-law last month for the holidays.

He has a desk job and had slowly gained weight, as so many people do. First, he lost about twenty pounds five years ago after we shared The China Study with our families. He started doing yoga for his back. Then, he started juicing.

find the should and ditch the guilt

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Happy December! This can be one of the most joyous months of the year, but it can also be one of the most stressful. So, let's talk about freedom. Two imprisoning concepts for many people seem to be expectations and guilt (often related but not necessarily so).

Eric Barker has written a few different posts about expectations, and the takeaway exercise or game I really like is called "find the should." As Barker says, we don't get upset about events; we get upset about our beliefs.

Our lives don't change at the moment when someone passes away, but we may fall apart when someone tells us the news a few days later as if it just happened. Or we may find someone offensive and rude until we hear that their child is battling cancer, and then we become more forgiving, more patient.

Barker uses traffic as an example. We find it frustrating because the highways should be clear, or traffic should be elsewhere—but reality isn't always so agreeable. If we learn to expect traffic as part of a normal commuting experience, for example, we can accept it rather than let it ruin our day. Instead of spending an hour grumbling and stressed about being late, we can listen to an audiobook and leave earlier so as not to feel so rushed.

I know. It's all easy in theory; I'd also do yoga and work out every day in this hypothetical world. But in this case, I've found even working on this a little has yielded huge benefits, and with practice, it does make our lives more pleasant.

Long story short: We can avoid frustration regardless of what is happening. Nothing needs to change except our perception of a situation. We can choose our reality as we experience it, and that's powerful.

So, if you're feeling irritated, see if you can find the "should" that hasn't been fulfilled. He should know I'm allergic to cats/love brownies/hate zoos. She should remember I always order tuna but can't eat shellfish, and I'm going to the dentist at 2pm. S/he should take out the trash/cook dinner/clean the kitchen.

You get the idea. So, what's your "should"? Examine it. Is that expectation realistic? What if we get rid of the "should"?

This has become a good exercise my partner and I play whenever we get frustrated, and it usually dispels the irritation quickly. (It's also entertaining to make fun of each other's "shoulds" when we examine them in bright daylight. Like: My 3-year-old should know how to behave in a restaurant. Riiiiiight. Good one.)

The other burden people (especially parents) feel is guilt. Guilt for not spending enough quality time with the kids. Or guilt for not putting in enough time at work. Or both.

In Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's book, Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family, they discuss guilt as a poison that only creates hatred, and that's also pretty potent stuff. Their argument is that making children (or adults, for that matter) feel guilty makes them feel badly about themselves and eventually hate you for it. Yowsers. That'll make us think twice about making someone feel guilty, no?

And self-imposed guilt is just as toxic. I didn't blog at all during the month of November because I was frantically working on NaNoWriMo. I "won" and reached the 50,000-word milestone, but it means other things fell by the wayside. And that's a great analogy for life. We are the choices we make, and you don't need to feel guilty if you can't do every little thing perfectly.

We can only do the best we can from where we are with what we have, and that's as good as it'll get.

So, this got a little heavier than I planned, but it should be worth it. To recap:

find the should + ditch the guilt = freedom.

Now, that's a good gift we can give ourselves. 

24 days with téa

It's a girl! I can now admit I secretly hoped for a second girl and was thrilled to have gotten one. My partner and I are hoping our girls will grow up close and potentially interested in many of the same things... And if that doesn't happen, at the very least, we can use the same clothes for our second daughter, and that's great, too.

So, I've been the mother of two girls for twenty-four days now, and it's interesting how different my partner and I are with our second child.

The main lesson we've learned is that newborns aren't that fragile after all, and we're way more relaxed about everything. Nursing is a way better experience now that I know what I'm doing and what to expect. And while the novelty of a new baby isn't the same as it was the first time, my partner and I are both deeply, madly in love with our new little one in the same overwhelming way we were with our first.

entre amigos in san pancho, mexico

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Greetings from Mexico! We have been traveling a ton, so I'm sorry for being MIA for so long. I will post pictures from our trip to India next, but for this post, I had to share a beautiful nonprofit I discovered today called Entre Amigos (Between Friends), based in San Pancho (San Francisco), Mexico.

The founder, Nicole Swedlow, started in 2006 teaching arts and crafts to children with a little art cart on the street, and now, it's a 16,000 square foot space that beautifully combines education, community, art, recycling, a free library, language classes, and a cafe in a wonderfully welcoming atmosphere that you can learn more about here.

If I could create something like this in my lifetime, I would die a happy woman.

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As a bonus, Swedlow, described as extremely humble, was honored by the Dalai Lama last spring as an "unsung hero of compassion," as you can read about here.

what happy families have in common

Eric Barker does great research. Here's yet another insightful one.

6 Things The Happiest Families All Have In Common AUGUST 17, 2014 by ERIC BARKER

Family life is hectic. Most of us play it by ear and hope it works out well.

Or maybe you haven’t started a family yet but when you do you want to do itright.

Aren’t there some legit answers out there about what creates the happiest families? Yes, there are.

To get the facts I called Bruce Feiler, author of the New York Times bestseller,The Secrets of Happy Families.

When writing his book, Bruce knew there were answers already out there — but not necessarily where we’d expect.

He found solutions to common family problems in business theory, Harvard negotiation techniques, and even by talking to Green Berets.

Below you’ll learn:

1. The #1 predictor of your child’s emotional well-being.
2. The #1 predictor of their academic achievement — and behavior problems.
3. And the simple thing that steers kids away from drugs, toward better grades and even improves their self-esteem. And more.

Here’s what makes strong, happy families:

1) Create A Family Mission Statement

I asked Bruce what he would recommend if he could only give one piece of advice.

He said: “Set aside time to talk about what it means to be a part of your family.”

Ask: “What are your family values?” In business-speak: Develop a mission statement for your family.

crappy pictures

For every mom who has been up all night nursing a little one, enjoy!

WHAT IT IS LIKE TO (NOT) SLEEP AT NIGHT – ILLUSTRATED WITH CRAPPY PICTURES™

JUNE 9, 2011 COMMENTS (869)

INTRO: Here is installment #2 in my “real life parenting” series.  I draw crappy pictures because I don’t have actual photos of these experiences.  Here goes…

——————————————————

I’ve always been jealous of my husband’s ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. It isn’t his fault that he is a deep sleeper.  But I can’t help it.  It totally pisses me off.

We climb in bed at 9:00PM…

By 9:03 my husband is completely asleep.

I’m nursing my youngest and haven’t even begun to think about sleeping yet.  I lay there motionless, pretending to be calm and relaxed so he’ll fall asleep. Anyway, I’m cold since the blankets aren’t on my top half.

happy dads

Happy Father's Day weekend!  Here's some information showing that fathers seem happier and healthier than men without kids:

Infographic: What You Need to Know About Dads and Happiness

motherhood

Happy May!  In honor of all the moms, here's an infographic on motherhood.  Enjoy!

the science of raising happy children

Here are some interesting findings on raising happy children that could probably apply to adults, too. 

mommy, somebody needs you

This is one of the nicest blog posts I've read, and I hope it resonates with you as it did for me.  For all of the parents out there who can relate to feeling completely drained and frazzled sometimes, here is some solace.

“Mommy, Somebody Needs You."

by Megan Minneman Morton

Ever since we brought our new daughter home, her older brothers have been the first to tell me when she is crying, whimpering, or smelling a little suspicious.  “Somebody needs you,” they say.  I have no idea how this little saying started, but at first it sort of annoyed me.  I could be enjoying a quick shower… “Mommy, somebody needs you.  The baby is crying.”  Or, sitting down for a second, quite aware that the baby was beginning to stir from a nap…. “Mama, somebody needs you!”  Okay!  I get it already!  And not to mention that the newborn’s needs pale in comparison to the needs of 2 little boys.  Somebody always needs a snack, a band-aid, a different sock, ice cubes in their water, a NEW Paw Patrol, a stream of snot wiped, a hug, a story, a kiss.  Some days never seem to end, and the monotony of being “needed” can really take its toll. Then, it all started to hit me, they need ME.  Not anybody else.  Not a single other person in the whole world.  They need their Mommy.

The sooner I can accept that being Mommy means that I never go off the clock, the sooner I can find peace in this crazy stage of life.   That ‘Mommy’ is my duty, privilege and honor. I am ready to be there when somebody needs me, all day and all night.  Mommy means I just put the baby back down after her 4am feeding when a 3-year-old has a nightmare.  Mommy means I am surviving on coffee and toddler leftovers.  Mommy means my husband and I haven’t had a real conversation in weeks.  Mommy means I put their needs before my own, without a thought.  Mommy means that my body is full of aches and my heart is full of love.

I am sure there will come a day when no one needs me.  My babies will all be long gone and consumed with their own lives.  I may sit alone in some assisted living facility watching my body fade away.  No one will need me then.  I may even be a burden.  Sure, they will come visit, but my arms will no longer be their home.  My kisses no longer their cure.  There will be no more tiny boots to wipe the slush from or seat belts to be buckled.  I will have read my last bedtime story, 7 times in a row.  I will no longer enforce time outs.  There will be no more bags to pack and unpack or snack cups to fill.  I am sure my heart will yearn to hear those tiny voices calling out to me, “Mommy, somebody needs you!”

So for now, I find beauty in the peaceful 4am feedings in our cozy little nursery.  We are perched above the naked oak trees in our own lavender nest.  We watch the silent snow fall and a bunny scampering across its perfect white canvas.  It’s just me and my little baby, the neighborhood is dark and still.  We alone are up to watch the pale moon rise and the shadows dance along the nursery wall.  She and I are the only ones to hear the barn owl hooting in the distance.  We snuggle together under a blanket and I rock her back to sleep.  It’s 4am and I am exhausted and frustrated, but it’s okay, she needs me.  Just me.  And maybe, I need her too.  Because she makes me Mommy.  Some day she will sleep through the night.  Some day I will sit in my wheelchair, my arms empty, dreaming of those quiet nights in the nursery.  When she needed me and we were the only two people in the world.

Can I enjoy being needed?  Sometimes, sure, but often it is tiring.  Exhausting.  But, it isn’t meant to be enjoyed every moment.  It is a duty.  God made me their Mom.  It is a position I yearned for long before I would ever understand it.  Over a 3 day weekend my husband couldn’t believe how many times our boys kept saying, “Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy”!  “Are they always like this?” he asked not able to hide his terror, and sympathy.  “Yep.  All day, everyday.  That’s my job.”  And I have to admit that it is the toughest job I have ever had.  In a previous life I was a restaurant manager for a high volume and very popular chain in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida.  A Saturday night at 7:30pm with the expo window overflowing with dishes, a 2 hour wait, and the electricity inexplicably going out has got nothing on a Tuesday, 5:00pm at the Morton house.  And let me tell ya, South Florida diners are some of the toughest to please.  But, they are a cake walk compared to sleep-deprived toddlers with low blood sugar.

Once upon a time, I had time.  For myself.  Now, my toe nails need some love.  My bra fits a little differently.  My curling iron might not even work anymore, I don’t know.  I can’t take a shower without an audience.  I’ve started using eye cream.  I don’t get carded any more.  My proof of motherhood.  Proof that somebody needs me.  That right now, somebody always needs me.  Like last night…

At 3am I hear the little footsteps entering my room.  I lay still, barely breathing.  Maybe he will retreat to his room.  Yeah right.

“Mommy.”

“Mommy.”  A little louder.

“Yes”.  I barely whisper.

He pauses, his giant eyes flashing in the dim light.

“I love you.”

And just like that, he is gone.  Scampered back to his room.  But, his words still hang in the cool night air.  If I could reach out and snatch them, I would grab his words and hug them to my chest.  His soft voice whispering the best sentence in the world.  I love you.  A smile curls across my lips and I slowly exhale, almost afraid to blow the memory away.  I drift back to sleep and let his words settle into my heart.

One day that little boy will be a big man.  There will no longer be any sweet words whispered to me in the wee hours.  Just the whir of the sound machine and the snoring husband.  I will sleep peacefully through the night, never a worry of a sick child or a crying baby.  It will be but a memory.  These years of being needed are exhausting, yet fleeting.  I have to stop dreaming of “one day” when things will be easier.  Because, the truth is, it may get easier, but it will never be better than today.  Today, when I am covered in toddler snot and spit up.  Today, when I savor those chubby little arms around my neck.  Today is perfect.  ”One day” I will get pedicures and showers alone.  ”One day” I will get myself back.  But, today I give myself away, and I am tired, and dirty and loved SO much, and I gotta go.  Somebody needs me.

the science of happy relationships

Just in time for Valentine's Day or just because it's good to have healthy, happy relationships, here is an interesting collection of factoids for you.  Here's to happy, healthy, long-lasting love!

happily ever after to a four-year-old

beautiful Mexican beach wedding

Happy 2014!  I hope your new year is off to a fabulous start.

My partner and I were talking with his cousin at a lovely family wedding, and she told us this story:

We had to explain what a wedding was to our four-year-old, and we said it was sort of like watching a show because you're supposed to sit still and watch what people are doing and listen to what people are saying and not make any noise.  The reason it's really important is because these two people have decided that they really love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, and we get to be part of the celebration.  My four-year-old thought about this for a moment and then said, "Mommy, can we get married?"

I actually teared up a bit, hearing this.  I am a big sap, but holy moly, this is why we decide to be parents.

May your year be full of beautiful moments like these.

hyperbole and a half

My book group was considering this book, Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened, so I went to look at her blog, and I am in love.  Hilarious, self-deprecating and insightful.  Go here for the danger of a dinosaur costume, and enjoy!